| The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005) |
I knew it was going to be bad when it started off with one of those stupid movie ads from Target.
Basically it was a montage of about ten minutes of women looking at themselves lovingly in various reflective surfaces. I know that the narcisism of the modern woman has nearly reached the point of inducing self-implosion, but this was just sickening. I wanted to crawl into my own vagina and suffocate to death. Where do I hand in my woman card?
At least we were spared the movie tickets dot com ad, the one in which the slutty blond says to her date "what movie are you going to you stupid pathetic penis unit?" Usually I scream out "suck exhaust bitch!" at this ad.
Anyway, the movie starts and sets up what an obvious "looser" the main character is for living without a woman. It shows him taking care of his health through exercise, making himself an undisturbed, balanced meal, admiring the results of years of devotion to his hobbies-- toy collecting, pewter figurine painting, and video games-- talking to his friends and neighbors then heading off to work on his bicycle.
When you see this man you just have to wonder how he can stand enjoying the simple things in life without a materialistic harpy clutching at his pocket book and demanding expensive consumer items. I mean, WHAT A LOOSER! Seriously, he has aqua man figurines for chrissakes! That's a sure sign of a looser! (Being a divorced mom of three certainly isn't!)
Anyway the other men at his workplace find out he's a virgin over a poker game. All of them are horrible caricatures of manhood, all of them intended to inspire some mixture of disgust, pity, horror and, of course, COMEDY! Because everyone knows stereotypes of men are funny! (They inspired me to think the writers were useless, bigoted dumb-fucks however.) They then conspire to get him laid.
Various hilarious antics ensue, including a hair-raising ride with a drunken chick behind the wheel. One can only imagine the humor if it had been a man behind the wheel! Wait, that would have ended up being some sort of MADD inspired tv docu-drama with the man shot in harsh black and white, laughing like satan as he plowed into hospitals, retirement homes and flocks of little kiddies! It wouldn't have been funny at all, because we all know irresponsibility is only funny when women do it.
There was one scene I thought had some promise, when the white guy (not the other white guy) told the virgin that he had left his ex girlfriend after she had cheated on him and that he regretted doing it. Wow, thought I, a sympathetic look at a man who's been jerked around by a woman. Needless to say, this little moment of hope was soon quashed when we discover the man is obsessive of his ex to the point of criminality.
Then some stuff happens that I don't remember.
And *then* the obessive white guy decides to get over his ex and become celibate. A wonderfully enlightening scene where white guy and other white guy discuss how not having sex with women makes a man gay.
At some point virgin has finally found himself a girl. She's a grandmother and divorced mom of three. They decide to wait to have sex, because ridden-hard-like-seabiscuit's been burned by asshole men in the past.
More stuff happens that I don't remember.
Suddenly virgin is changing his life! He's now cooking for ridden-hard and her crotch-droppings, who are all varying degrees of charming and female! He's also selling off his precious toys and collectables to get a proper job as owner of some sort of ambiguous monetary enterprise. But all these changes are his choice of course. Ridden-hard would never preasure him into providing for her and her vaginal-fruit. And when he accuses her of changing his life she's innocent! Innocent! No woman would ever make a man provide for her! How dare he accuse her of that. Grr... mean virgin! MEAN!
Now we're back in the bar after the misunderstanding between ridden-hard and virgin. Virgin's tired of being a virgin so he picks up a skank. (Is it just me or are all the sluts in this movie way too perky and healthy looking? As far as I can tell by the time a slut hits 21 she looks likes beef-jerky soaked in astrolube.)
Skank ends up being too skanky for virgin, but not too skanky for other white guy who's into beastiality and takes over.
Virgin goes home, only to find ridden-hard in his porn collection(or rather white guy's porn collection since he gave it to virgin). She accuses him of being a serial murderer and runs out. Wow. Ridden-hard didn't just betray herself as a drama queen and controlling psycho did she?
Typically virgin races after ridden hard and nearly gets killed. Then he confesses to her he's a virgin. And she's so happy he's not a serial killer, he's just a virgin!
At some point, but probably not this point, there's a scene where other white guy is "curing" white guy of his celibacy. White guy is saying he just wants to live a simple life without women. Other white guy proceeds to punch white guy repeatedly in the nuts till he decides to go out with a girl. Don't all men wish their friends were this caring?!?!?
Then there's the final scene where virgin and ridden-hard get married. And virgin carries her up the stairs into her new hideous mcmansion (bought by selling off his old life.) The end.
In conclusion what pissed me off most about this movie was the fact that none of the women were jerks. All of the men were. Even virgin acted like a big meany until he repented and married ridden-hard.
- Reviewed by Typhonblue
Rated: R (for retarded) in the USA due to non-stop sexual content, foul language, and drug use.
Duration: 116 minutes Similar Movies: Anchorman